Bipolar: The Road To Motherhood Less Traveled.

PART ONE


I always knew what kind of mother I wanted to be but I never thought too much about the kind of mother I didn’t want to be until it was too late and I was becoming her.

I knew I wanted to be the kind of mother to my child that my mother was to me, I thought that I had the potential but maybe I was wrong. I think there were too many things wrong with me that were not wrong with my mother…or if they were wrong, she hid it a whole lot better than I could ever hope to.
Being a mother, being bi-polar and suffering from depression are not things that work well together. They do not make it easy to provide a harmonious environment in which to live and prosper. There was nothing in life I wanted more than having a child of my own. Although I have taken care of children in some capacity, I knew of and had seen the horror stories of parenthood and childhood gone wrong…I was still naïve enough to believe that once I had my daughter, my life would be all sweetness and sunshine. I mean, I knew it would be hard, life is hard, but I thought I would have it under control.

There are so many things that can go wrong in a persons life, things that change you and change the course you planned to take to end up in the place you wanted to be. I believe that this is what happened to me, this is what started me on that downward spiral into a dark hole so deep I thought I would never get out.

I’m not going to lead you down the staircase to my personal black hole. I’m in therapy because I took that trip once and I don’t think either one of us would survive it. I’m not looking for sympathy. I don’t want people sitting around thinking “oh that poor girl!”. This is about understanding. Me understanding myself and you understanding me and everyone like me. Maybe you’re like me. Like the me that denied my pain and misery for years. Like the me that let everyone believe that I was this strong, independent, single mother who had her shit together. Like the me that slowly and painfully broke into a million little pieces before realizing that I needed help…serious help. I hope you’re not like that “me”, but if you are it’s ok. I worked through it with help and you can too.

To Be Continued...

(Giving You) All Of Me

I sit looking back over what used to be
When there was an us…not just you and me
My mind grows weary as I try to recall
Was I only half way there or did I give it my all

My heart, my soul, my body and mind
I gave it all to a love that was dangerously blind
I opened up and exposed willingly
All of the most private and intimate parts of me

Midnight whispers of things never shared
Getting as close to each other as we both dared
You touched my heart and set it free
And I felt safe giving you all of me

I sit and remember how the look in your eyes
Made my stomach clench and my temperature rise
Your touch spoke words I longed to hear
And I surrendered to you without any fear

How could something so right end up so wrong
How did what I feel now come from a love so strong
Why was I so blind, why didn’t I see
That it was a mistake giving you all of me

Break Through

All my life I’ve been afraid
Afraid to live, afraid to love and afraid to lose
I was afraid of making choices
Afraid of the consequences of what I’d chose
I hid those fears from everyone around
Let them believe I had it together
But the weight of my lies kept pushing me down
Until I thought I was lost forever
The darkness was overwhelming
I always felt so alone
As I experienced the treachery of life’s blows
I suffered the worse pain I’ve ever known
I finally got to a point of no return
The misery was much more than I could bear
I had to find a way out of the darkness
I wouldn’t survive it if continued to dwell there
There was no light shining in the darkness
I had to fight my way out blind
The struggle to find my way out
Has taken a toll on my mind
It’s taking longer than I expected
But I know now what I must to do
It’s going to take all that I’ve got
But I will eventually break through

On The Inside

A smile as bright as the sun
For all the world to see
Laughter strong and loud
Makes everyone laugh with me
A heart so full of love
Enough to spread around
Life so full of joy
Nothing could bring me down

Small, silent and alone
In a darkness that won’t go away
The tears that are constantly flowing
Won’t let me see past the pain
The struggle to keep it hidden
Pretending to always be strong
While I slowly die on the inside
And tell the world that nothing is wrong

I don’t know how much longer I can do it
Trying to maintain the 2 parts of me
How I really am on the inside versus
Who I desperately want to be

No longer can I fake the happiness
The well of tears seem never to dry
What you see now is a true reflection
Of whom I am inside

The Many Moods Of Me

In the dark of night
I cannot find sleep
My heart won't let me rest
In my mind I have no peace

Voices of life past
Constantly whisper my name
Present day strife
Brings it's own brand of pain

Tossing and turning endlessly
Not just in my bed
The coming of daylight hours
Don't lessen my dread

The chaos of my inner turmoil
Seeps without
Every hour awake
Riddled with doubt

Many faces I wear
Allow my secret to hide
Locked inside my heart
Guarded by my pride

Rare are the days lost
When a smile was mine to share
And happiness was not just a burden
That alone I had to bare

Through all the up and downs
I struggle my struggle alone
No soothing words of wisdom
From the voice I know is my own

All the time searching
For a way to be set free
From the weariness of my mind
Caused by the many moods of me.

Finally

Finally, some quiet
A reprieve from all the pain
The calming of a chaotic mind
Some rest for my weary brain
That light at the end of the tunnel
Is finally something that I can see
Give me hope of a brighter future
Without the darkness surrounding me


I feel like a weight has been lifted
I can finally breathe again
No longer bearing the burden
Of hiding the misery within

I finally feel some balance
Both feet firmly on the ground
I’m praying that I hold on to this
The peace that I’ve finally found


Finally, I feel like a whole person
Not just fragments floating in the air
I’ve finally found a safe haven
And I’m resting my weary body there